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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26133412">i was your amber but now she’s your shade of gold.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LLReid/pseuds/LLReid'>LLReid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the ghosts of girlfriends past. [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bloodbound (Visual Novels), The Nanny Affair (Visual Novel)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU Where BB MC Was The Dalton’s Nanny Before Working At Raines Corp, Angst, Angst and Romance, Canon LGBTQ Character, F/F, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, Vampire Queens, Vampires, this is self indulgent</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:47:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,542</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26133412</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LLReid/pseuds/LLReid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspiration; Stone Cold by Demi Lovato.</p><p>~~~~~</p><p>“That’s why I left, you know. I couldn’t keep doing it to myself, getting my hopes up so high, only to have them come crashing down. I couldn’t keep waiting for you to come to your senses, having my whole emotional state rest on what you decided. I spent every day being like; ‘What if she never wakes up to how perfect we'd be together? What if I spend another year pining for her — or longer even?’ In a terrible flash, I saw my whole future stretching out before me: waiting for your calls, rearranging my life around your schedule, and decoding texts and instant messages like they could be something real, something true.”</p><p>“It was real. I love you.”</p><p>“No. It wasn’t love; it was pure torment.“</p><p>“You think I wanted to hurt you? You think it doesn’t eat at me that I can’t have you? You think I don’t constantly wonder where you are, what you’re doing, and if you’re safe? I don’t want to lose you forever—“</p><p>“I’m already long gone. I’m happily married now to a woman I adore and who adores me just as much, and I could never hurt her. Kamilah is the love of my life. You lost me six years ago when you married Sofia.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kamilah Sayeed/Anastasia Sayeed, Kamilah Sayeed/Main Character (Bloodbound), Sam Dalton/Anastasia Sayeed, Sam Dalton/Main Character (The Nanny Affair), Sam Dalton/Sofia Russo, Sofia Russo/Robin Flores</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the ghosts of girlfriends past. [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974595</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>109</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. You’re Happier, Aren’t You?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Chapter inspired by; Happier by Jaclyn Davies {originally by Ed Sheeran}</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam stared at Anastasia with tears blurring her vision as they sat in the newest CEO of Raines Corp’s office. She’d thought she’d recovered enough from their affair that attending a meeting at Raines Corp in person wouldn’t have been an issue. She’d foolishly believed that seeing the woman she loved for the first time in six years wouldn’t have been hard at all— after all, Anastasia Sayeed had become the most famous woman in the world after upending the old world order and then succeeding Adrian Raines as CEO of the world’s most affluent and influential scientific and technological empire. You could barely go anywhere without seeing her face or hearing her name... but actually being in her presence was a whole different kettle of fish.</p><p>Despite now being immortal and having not aged a day since the age of twenty-two, there was no sign of the starry-eyed young mortal woman that Sam had fallen for. Standing before her was a married woman who was the picture of otherworldly wisdom and elegance. It was no secret that she was the most powerful person in the world, and you felt it when you were in her orbit. Power seemed to radiate from her wisp-like frame in waves, and it took every ounce of strength you had in you not to fall to your knees and worship at her feet.</p><p>“You, um... you look good,” Sam said after a moment of awkward silence that had followed them concluding the actual business she’d come to discuss. There was an ocean of silence between them… and she was drowning in it. She didn’t quite know where to look or what to say, which was utterly ridiculous. She still loved this woman beyond all measure, she still thought of her before she closed her eyes each night and when she opened them again in the morning. “Immortality... suits you.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Anastasia laughed softly. “How are the boys?”</p><p>“They’re good... they’re almost as tall as me now.”</p><p>Anastasia nodded and gave her a smile, and Sam’s heart clenched. She knew she had no right to be upset that Anastasia had moved on and created a whole new life for herself after leaving her, she had no right to want to cry at the sight of the rings on her left hand or the sound of her new surname... but she did. She wasn’t sure exactly what she’d expected when she’d began sleeping with her children’s nanny six years earlier, but she was quite certain she hadn’t expected to fall in love... perhaps harder than she’d ever fallen before. But life had broken them and she was trying to convince herself that nothing and nobody could have protected them from that, from the situations and circumstances that had stopped them from being together out in the open... but she knew that probably wasn’t the case.</p><p>Anastasia might’ve been a woman who’d been destined for greatness beyond anyone’s imagination, but Sam couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if she’d had the courage to back out of her arrangement with Sofía. Where would they be now? What would they be? Could she have protected her from sacrificing her mortality? Could she have kept her safe and given her a haven to grow old in?</p><p>“And how is your wife?,” Anastasia asked.</p><p>Dark shadows of grief haunted the mortal woman’s expression. With her beauty as a distraction, no one would ever know that she was, deep down, hollow. More so than any one person should be asked to bear. But that was the problem with grief. No one ever asked for it, you didn’t realise it was there until it was already much too late. It arrived with its bags packed for an extended stay. It settled into your best guest room and demanded to be waited on all day long, and which it finally shuffled out the door, it left behind permanent scratches on your furniture.</p><p>She didn’t want to love her the way she did — this would be so much simpler if she didn’t. But she did... and there wasn’t much she could do about it.</p><p>She had tried to stay away. She tried so hard... but Anastasia kept pulling her back without ever actually reaching out to her. Whether she saw her on social media or heard of some new miracle she’d pulled off... she always wound up stuck in this rut. She was the brightest thing she’d ever seen. This beautiful ball of fire spitting sparks out at the world, burning fiercely, holding back the darkness by sheer will. And Sam had always known that if she reached out — if she tried to touch her again — she’d get burned. Because this woman was no longer the innocent young mortal she’d once known. She was not supposed to feel this fire. She was not supposed to still want it. But she did. She wanted Anastasia, like she’d never wanted anything. Ever. She wanted the fire. She wanted the heat, and the light, and she wanted the burn.</p><p>“Sofía is... well... Sofía,” she shrugged, knowing that she didn’t have to say any more than that, knowing Anastasia would know what she meant. “And how is yours?”</p><p>“Kamilah,” Anastasia beamed, her glacial blue eyes glittering in her happiness.</p><p>“Kamilah,” Sam breathed.</p><p>“She’s good. We just got back from spending the summer in Egypt, just the two of us. It was her first time back in a few thousand years,” Anastasia laughed, “we— we had a lot of fun.”</p><p>“That’s good. I’m glad.” Sam did her best to smile. She did her best to keep breathing. If she could keep her breaths steady, she wouldn’t cry. But this woman could still touch her soul, her smile and her laughter still lit up her whole world. And she now knew that there was big a difference between having your heart break and having your soul shatter. “You deserve that happiness.”</p><p>“And you?,” Anastasia whispered. “Are you happy?”</p><p>“I’m fine.”</p><p>“Are you?”</p><p>“You know me,” Sam smiled. She had risked her heart and she had been swallowed up. Now she was broken. She wasn't feeling nothing. She was feeling far too much. She was blocking it all out, or trying to. That was a survival skill, and her still-beating heart was proof that it worked. Regret couldn't fix what had been broken. Apologies couldn't bring back what had been lost. What they’d lost. “I’m always fine.”</p><p>They sat there for a long moment, looking at each other through narrowed eyes, but saying nothing. It was the kind of nothing that meant everything. In the ocean of her eyes, there was no trace of the happiness that had been between them six years earlier. Anastasia was happy, happier than she’d ever been, but Sam could feel something inside her chest break... she could feel her soul shattering into a million pieces.</p><p>“We never would have worked out no matter what you chose,” Anastasia whispered, eventually. “We couldn’t get past the strange contradiction that seemed to lurk behind everything we did. Because no matter what, or who, you ended up choosing, you would always feel like you’d failed somehow... and we both deserved better than that. I deserved more than the role of your mistress.”</p><p>“Don’t call yourself that—“</p><p>“Sam,” Anastasia interjected, “no matter how you might’ve felt, that’s what I was. That’s all I was. Your mistress.”</p><p>“You were always more than that. You know you were.”</p><p>“Maybe that’s how it seemed from where you were standing.” Anastasia fiddled with the ends of her hair. “That’s why I left, you know. I couldn’t keep doing it to myself, getting my hopes up so high, only to have them come crashing down. I couldn’t keep waiting for you to come to your senses, having my whole emotional state rest on what you decided. I spent every day being like; ‘What if she never wakes up to how perfect we'd be together? What if I spend another year pining for her — or longer even?’ In a terrible flash, I saw my whole future stretching out before me: waiting for your calls, rearranging my life around your schedule, and decoding texts and instant messages like they could be something real, something true.” </p><p>“It was real. I love you.”</p><p>“No,” the vampire shook her head, “it wasn’t love; it was pure torment.“</p><p>“You think I wanted to hurt you? You think it doesn’t eat at me that I can’t have you? You think I don’t constantly wonder where you are, what you’re doing, and if you’re safe? I don’t want to lose you forever—“ </p><p>“I’m already long gone. I’m happily married now to a woman I adore and who adores me just as much, and I could never hurt her. Kamilah is the love of my life. You lost me six years ago when you married Sofía.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Sam sighed and looked away. Her throat constricted. How many times had that happened? She found herself wondering. How many times had this wonderful woman sat, waiting, whilst she caught up with somebody else, somebody more important? How many times had she pawned her off whilst she played a role? When she spoke again, her voice was fragile as glass, “I wish I could’ve kept you.”</p><p>“It’s better this way,” Anastasia replied resolutely. “I wouldn’t have my Kami if what happened between us hadn’t occurred. I have no regrets. Don't you think it's better to be extraordinarily happy for a short time, even if you’re destined to lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”</p><p>Even now, she wanted so badly to believe that a love like the one they’d once had could conquer all. That she and Anastasia could still, somehow, make things work based on sheer feelings alone, but real life wasn’t that easy. It would never be that easy for someone in her position with two young sons to look out for, or a vampire queen who could influence the world with a single word. They had loved each other dearly — once — and Sam knew she always would love her, but life had gotten in the way. Neither of them could change and sooner or later they’d drive each other away again.</p><p>She knew how painful it was, loving this woman from afar. Watching her — from the outside. The once familiar elements of her life reduced to nothing more than the stories about her in the news and mentions in conversations and the faces changing in photographs posted on her social media pages. She existed to her now as nothing more than living proof that something could still hurt you… with no real contact at all. Sometimes you had to be apart from people you love most, but that didn’t make you love them any less. Sometimes you loved them more that way.</p><p>“Do you still think of me at all?,” she blurted out before she could stop herself.</p><p>“Not in the way you still think of me,” Anastasia replied. “The Anastasia you knew was a girl who’d been treading water her whole life, waiting for destiny to begin. She was a girl who had lived on the cusp of two different worlds for her whole life, trying desperately to fit into one. Hoping desperately to stay.” She tucked a long strand of ginger hair behind her ear and let out a sigh. Sam hadn’t realised it before, but when someone is special to you, you're literally captivated by them in even the little moments. Anastasia had always captivated her, even now. The slightest thing she said or did, was like watching the universe unfold. And nothing else mattered in those moments they were together. The vampire continued, “I cared for you deeply, Sam, but no matter what had happened back then... we were never meant to be together. I was always supposed to become a vampire... but we both know that when you care enough for someone the way we cared for each other, you reach a point where it's far more painful not to have her at all than to have her and risk losing her. In hindsight, you realise the risk and the heartache was worth it. Because happiness, however short-lived, will always be worth it.”</p><p>Anastasia’s words touched her.</p><p>Somewhere she hadn’t known she could even feel before meeting her.</p><p>Somewhere she hadn’t known existed.</p><p>“Anastasia.” She said her name in a voice that wasn’t her own and it hung between them in the silence.</p><p>The vampire pressed her lips together and smiled softly. “What?”</p><p>Sam stood at the threshold of the thought. The thought of Anastasia that had been buried alive in the back of her mind since the moment they’d met. She looked over the edge of it, peering down into the darkness and the light. It called to her. It screamed her name.</p><p>“I miss you,” she forced out, “and I’m sorry... for everything.”</p><p>“As am I,” Anastasia breathed. “It’s on both of us. We were old enough to know better.”</p><p>“But we were too young to care,” Sam sighed.</p><p>For her entire life, she had always believed that a soul mate was a person’s perfect match, and deep down that was what everyone really wanted. But since meeting and then losing Anastasia she had learned that a true soul mate wasn’t a perfect match at all, but a mirror. Six years earlier this woman had shown her everything that had held her back and had helped her towards becoming the best version of herself that she was capable of being so she could change her life and become more than she or anyone else had ever expected she could.</p><p>A true soul mate like Anastasia was probably the most important person she’d ever meet, because she had torn down all of her walls and defences and smacked her awake. But sometimes people lost their soul mates... and sometimes the person you considered your soulmate didn’t think of you the same way. A soul mate would come into your life unexpectedly just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. From her, Sam had learned two things over the course of their relationship: the perfection of a moment, and the fleeting nature of it. There was never a time or place for true love. It happened accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.</p><p>“Anastasia,” a young man said apologetically as he poked his head through the office door, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but Kamilah is here to take you to dinner. What should I tell her?”</p><p>“It’s fine, Tyler,” Anastasia said as she rose to her feet, “Ms. Dalton and I were finished here anyway. You can pack up and leave early, too, if you want.”</p><p>Tyler beamed at her. “Thank you! Mathew will be so surprised!”</p><p>Anastasia chuckled. “Have a good weekend.”</p><p>Sam’s heart clenched as she followed the vampire out of her office, only to see her face light up at the sight of her wife. She’d never looked at her that way. It was a dull sensation, your already broken heart breaking all over again, like the sound of a pebble dropping on the sand. Not a crashing racket, not a tearing apart, there was nothing shrill or grandiose about the sensation. It was merely an internal realisation that something treasured you never really knew you had had really left forever as the world kept on turning, oblivious to the fact that everything had changed and nothing would ever really be the same again.</p><p>“My love,” Kamilah beamed as she drew Anastasia into her arms. When the ancient vampire kissed her, the seconds slowed and Sam’s heart continued to shatter. The seconds seemed to stretch out and make more time. Seeing Anastasia’s body in someone else’s arms instead of her own, unraveling everything that had ever been between them, was like torture. But Anastasia was happy, and the vampire’s restless soul unwound, threading itself to her wife’s. And she let it. She gave herself willingly to her. Because she was already hers. Like light cast over the morning water, she became new with each and every kiss. Every moment that lay ahead, like an uncharted sea.</p><p>“Kami, this is Samantha Dalton,” Anastasia said, making no move to step out of Kamilah’s embrace, “CEO of Dalton Enterprises. Sam, this is Kamilah, my wife.”</p><p>Kamilah raised an eyebrow at Anastasia and glanced between them. She knew. She very clearly knew what they’d been to one another before the two of them had even met. Her strong arms seemed to tighten protectively around Anastasia’s slight frame and Sam swore she saw her eyes flaring red, almost as if she were silently warning her to stay the hell away from her. The ancient vampire nodded curtly, “Pleasure.”</p><p>“Likewise,” Sam nodded, clearing her throat awkwardly before glancing at Anastasia. “So...”</p><p>“I’ll have my people draw up a contract and we’ll be in touch with your people as soon as possible,” Anastasia said professionally, extending her hand to shake. They seemed well past the point of handshakes... but Sam said nothing and reciprocated the gesture. “Raines Corp will be delighted to partner with Dalton Enterprises on this project, Ms. Dalton.”</p><p>Sam smiled sadly and nodded. “It’s our pleasure... Mrs. Sayeed.”</p><p>As she walked towards the elevator she saw Kamilah folding Anastasia into her arms and kiss her deeper, the way she used to kiss her whenever they shared a stolen moment. She heard Anastasia giggling against her lips as the nickname ‘Annie’ was thrown around, and she wished everything would just stop... but the world moved on, even when you didn’t want it to, even when change felt like the end of everything. It never stopped. That was harsh and magical and somewhat comforting because nothing was immutable, however as much as she wanted it to be. Moments could not be caught like fossils in amber, ever-perfect, ever-beautiful. They went dark and raw, full of shadows, leaving you with the memories. </p><p>And the world moved on.</p><p>But she would never forget.</p><p>Sam wasn't old enough to be wise, so she loved Anastasia more, not less, in her absence. She had always been meant to go. She had not been meant to stay with her forever. </p><p>She was well aware that her every breath and heartbeat was like a clock ticking down to the moment she died, whether that was through her growing old or succumbing to an unpredictable accident or illness. Mortals were fragile beings and Anastasia was no longer mortal. Sam was like a living rose amongst wax flowers. The vampire she loved may last forever, but she bloomed brighter and smelled sweeter, and drew blood with her thorns. </p><p>She would be nothing more than a footnote in Anastasia Sayeed’s story. Some things exist in our lives for but a brief moment. And we must let them go on to light another sky, eventually... but Sam was well aware she’d never be able to let this woman go. She’d love her with her whole heart for the few decades she had left, all the while knowing that Anastasia had found the happiness she’d always deserved in the arms of another woman that would last for thousands of years.</p><p>And she knew, Anastasia’s enchantments would last long after her song faded.</p><p>To have lost her and watched how her life had transformed from an outsider’s perspective felt like a death, an absence that would haunt her every day... a regret she’d never quite be able to heal from. Without this woman, there would always be the empty space that used to be filled with laughter and friendship and comfort.</p><p>Could anyone really blame her for finding it so hard to let her go?</p><p>Sam squeezed her eyes shut and took several deep breaths as the elevator doors closed and Anastasia disappeared from her line of sight. She tried not to smell her floral perfume in front of her, not to taste her on her lips. But it was useless. In that moment, Anastasia was everywhere. She was in her mind, she was in her heart, and she was in her memory — where she would stay forever.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. You Keep Me Without Chains</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Chapter inspired by; Gravity by Corvyx {originally by Sara Bareilles}</p><p>TW: Toxic Relationship mentions.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>~ Ten Years Later ~</p><p>When Adrian Raines had announced he was running for president, the entire country had known that no one really stood much of a chance against him. With the full support of Anastasia Sayeed, there was hardly even a race in the lead up to the coming election, as the woman’s voice was so influential in both the supernatural and mortal worlds.</p><p>It was a strange position for Sam to see the woman she loved in. Anastasia was now thirty-six and still looked twenty-two, whereas she was now closer to fifty than forty and her age was beginning to show. Every minute of her life since Anastasia had left had been marked by her absence, every action had lacked a certain dimension because she was not there to measure against. Sofía had been riding Robin into the sunset since long before their sham of a wedding sixteen years earlier and now lived with her full time, seeing Sam only at public events or when work called for them to be in the same place. The boys were almost twenty-three and pretty much lived their own lives until they needed something. And she was alone in a cage of her own making, watching everyone else but her experiencing love and happiness beyond the bars of her cell.</p><p>Since the moment the Bloodkeeper had been unveiled as Raines’ secret weapon, she had somehow managed to eclipse him entirely despite never actually doing anything more than showing public support for her friend... and Sam’s whole life felt exactly like one of those dreams in which you suddenly realised that you had to take a test you forgot to study for and you weren’t wearing any clothes. And you’d left your wallet at home. And your cellphone had somehow smashed. Anastasia was literally everywhere. When she was lending her support to Adrian, it was like she was inverted, changed into a far more meteoric version of herself. She become something akin to a goddess. She startled old politicians by how influential a single raise of her eyebrows was and she amazed young people by how she helped them relate to a vampire who’d fought in the American Revolution. She was a trick, an illusion of the highest order, and it was so incredible that she was actually true.</p><p>Across the room, she was radiant on Adrian’s arm and Sam couldn’t help but notice it was always this way. At big events or important dinners, Anastasia was beside Adrian or situated right behind him. But when they were just two friends who’d become so close they were practically siblings — not a future president and one of the two undisputed queens of vampires — he was the one who followed her everywhere. In fact, everyone seemed to follow Anastasia whether she wanted them to or not.</p><p>It’d been a decade since Dalton Enterprises and Raines Corp had begun occasionally collaborating on different projects. A decade since Anastasia Sayeed had come back into Sam’s life on a professional basis, with their relationship never progressing any further than that. There’d been no accidental brush of their hands, no lingering glances, no words spoken that hadn’t first been carefully weighed and filtered. This was the first time she’d seen her outside of the board room in years, for crying out loud! She’d known and loved this woman for sixteen years now... yet she’d never been more unhappy.</p><p>“I do get so tired of you mortals, you never change,” Kamilah said as she sidled up beside her at the bar. Adrian’s fundraising gala at The Rainbow Room was jam packed, yet the ancient vampire hadn’t missed how Sam’s eyes had been tracking Anastasia as she made her rounds of the ballroom with Adrian. “You just won’t leave her alone, will you? Even though you’ve already hurt her and she’s already left you.”</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sam scoffed. She had never been a very convincing liar and she was sure Kamilah saw right through her. It turned out she was absolutely terrible at staying away from Anastasia. It was a very serious problem.</p><p>Kamilah huffed as the bar tender slid her a Martini across the bar and she took a long sip out of it. “Spare me, Mewling Mortal. Your love for my wife is only intensified by her absence and indifference towards you. Tell me, do you actively seek out peril? One would think that years of being mortal would have made you more aware of your own mortality.”</p><p>“Why are you such an ass?”</p><p>"Everyone has to excel at something, do they not?"</p><p>"Well, you're doing a great job.”</p><p>“To be clear, no one else agrees with you.”</p><p>“To be clear, I don’t care.”</p><p>Kamilah glared at her, her eyes flaring red. “Are you even trying to conceal the fact you desire her or are you purposely trying to win her back by acting like a deranged stalker? You’re a woman, surely you know how uncomfortable it is to have someone staring at you the way you’re staring at her. Please, enlighten me as to why you think this is acceptable behaviour, before I make up mind and decide you’re a threat to her safety. I warn you, I kill anyone who threatens her wellbeing in any way. You mess with the love of my life and it’s the last thing you ever do—“</p><p>“Do you really think I want to hurt her? Do you even think I’m capable of hurting her?,” Sam laughed. “I’m a middle aged mortal—“</p><p>“You hurt her before,” Kamilah sighed. “You have no idea how long it took her to recover from you, to find any sort of self-worth after being your mistress at such a young age, so don’t you dare so much as start with me. You were miserable together.”</p><p>Sam took a long sip out of her wine glass and averted her eyes from Anastasia. Each moment that she was close to her but not in her arms felt like a year, an eternity. Each moment was as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment she could see infinite moments line up, of just waiting. Waiting for what? For her, despite knowing she would never stray from Kamilah. Her every moment spent wondering, why had she gone where she couldn’t follow? Why had she let this woman go?</p><p>She’d expected by now that the pain should have receded to leave behind the shell of pain, an empty space where there should be pain but instead there was the expectation of pain. But it hadn’t. The pain. The pining. The regret. It never stopped.</p><p>Sam scoffed. “I am glad you have found someone you can’t live without. I really am. And I hope you never have to know what it's like to have to try and live without her—“</p><p>“I’m well aware of what it’s like to lose her, Mortal,” Kamilah interjected.</p><p>“If I could stop feeling this way, don’t you think I would?,” Sam snapped. She didn’t know why she said it. It was a difficult balance, telling the truth: how much to share, how much to keep, which truths would wound but not ruin, which would cut too deep to heal.</p><p>Kamilah raised an eyebrow. “Would you, though? Would you, really?”</p><p>“I never wanted to have anything in my life that I couldn't stand losing. But it's too late for that.”</p><p>The ancient vampire scoffed and drained what remained in her glass, she slid it back along the bar to signal she wanted another without a word to the bartender. “And what was it that you think you had, Ms. Dalton? What was Annie to you besides a young girl who was still too naive to realise you only ever wanted her for what lies between her legs?”</p><p>“You know nothing—“</p><p>“I know enough,” Kamilah growled. “I know that if you ever loved her even half as much as you claim to, you’d have grown a goddamn backbone and done whatever it took to avoid hurting her the way you did. She climbed into the dark for you, and you weren’t waiting in the stars for her... were you? Here you are, it’s sixteen years later, you’re seeing that she is happy and thriving, and you wouldn’t think twice about jeopardising that if it satisfied your own desires, would you?”</p><p>Sam gaped at her as she drained her second Martini in one gulp. There was something about the way Kamilah spoke to her, the way she was trying to protect Anastasia, that made her feel strange. It dawned on her that she was actually jealous of her. Jesus. She couldn’t quite believe she was feeling jealous of a well-dressed multibillionaire who was probably one of the oldest people in the world.</p><p>“You have forty, fifty more years to live if you are lucky,” Kamilah continued, “you can’t possibly comprehend how fleeting your time in this world is. Annie is going to live a lot longer than you are. So, if you care about her at all, stop this nonsense... let her be happy and leave her to live well without you. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. So just leave her the hell alone.”</p><p>Sam sighed. “Fine. I’ll back off... but don’t you ever say I used her. I love—“</p><p>“She was barely more than a child and you were a mother-of-two who was engaged to be married. She was younger than your sons are now. You were her first ‘real’ relationship after her college girlfriend and you put her through hell, played hot-and-cold with her, took her to bed instead of ever actually talking to her, loved her only when it was convenient for you to do so,” Kamilah interjected, glaring at her in a way that just dared her to contradict anything she was saying. “Even if toxic people are right about what is ‘good’ they are wrong if the approach is not healthy... and nothing about your entanglement with her was in any way healthy.”</p><p>“She was a consenting adult, Kamilah, and you are also quite a bit older than she is.”</p><p>“I’m well aware of that... but can you really compare what I have with her and the toxic situation you trapped her in? She’s told me multiple times how she felt guilty if she didn’t sleep with you, how she didn’t feel like she could say no to you without it ending up in some sort of pity party being thrown for a situation that you designed and were always fully capable of getting yourself out of,” Kamilah snapped. “The last time I checked, that wasn’t a sign of a healthy relationship. Do you even know how long it took her to realise that that sort of treatment wasn’t normal?” The vampire’s eyes were fully red now and they bore into the mortal, burning with all the fire of hell. “When we met I was wrecked, blasted, and damned, and I slowly pulled myself together because I could see that she was wonderful and deserved the world. When you love someone, you sacrifice. Can you honestly stand there and tell me you even considered doing the same?”</p><p>Sam stood there, speechless, and her silence spoke volumes. Their time together had felt like a storm, like a wild wind and rain, like something too big to handle but too powerful to escape.</p><p>“If this were a simpler matter, I’d have drained you dry by now.” Kamilah nodded resolutely and leaned in. When the vampire spoke again, her words were all growly and her eyes somehow and even deeper shade of red. “Outside of work, you stay the hell away from my Annie, unless she is the one who decides she wants any sort of a friendship with you. If you don’t, or if I ever catch you looking at her like she is your sun and stars again, I’ll kill you with my bare hands. Do I make myself clear?”</p><p>She nodded and Kamilah waltzed away from her without another word.</p><p>Sam had always known she was an incredibly damaged person, but she hadn’t actually realised she’d had a hand in damaging anyone else. It’s was a never ending cycle. Damaged people would go on to create more damaged people. She wondered if she would ever have the strength to hold onto something. Or if she would always be someone who destroyed.</p><p>She felt sick, as if realising for the first time just how toxic the situation that had surrounded her relationship with Anastasia had been. She had wanted everything with her. She had wanted the holidays and the birthdays, the busy weeks and lazy weekends. She had wanted the hot sex on her desk. She had wanted inside jokes and fights and everything. She had wanted a life with her... but what had she really done to achieve that? Had she changed anything about herself? No. Had she refused to marry a woman she didn’t love? No. Had she treated the woman that she did love like a queen? No. No, she hadn’t done anything that she should’ve done. She hadn’t done a goddamn thing.</p><p>She looked up to see Anastasia and Kamilah together across the ballroom, slow dancing in each other’s arms. Kamilah lowered her lips to Anastasia’s and gave her the faintest whisper of a kiss, her fingers gently stroking at her hair. Something about the tentativeness of it made Sam realise that she hadn’t ever kissed Anastasia like that, thoroughly and unhurried. Without a single word to her, she could understand how excited the Bloodkeeper was to have that moment with her wife, and deeper than that, she sensed that she adored Kamilah. Then Kamilah’s lips moved silently, and she didn’t know what she said to her: the words of a poem that only two people in the world knew.</p><p>For a moment, she just watched them dancing and ignored Sofía as she came and stood where Kamilah had been only moments before. The way Anastasia looked at Kamilah hadn’t changed in all the years she’d known them as a couple, it wasn’t merely like Kamilah made her world better than it would otherwise be. It was like she was her whole world. It wasn’t some explosion; it wasn’t fireworks, destined to blow up and then disappear into thin air. It was like she was a fire, burning her slowly from the inside out.</p><p>“Do you still miss her?,” Sofía asked her. If age had done anything, it’d actually given her some degree of emotional maturity.</p><p>“Every day. Every minute,” Sam murmured back.</p><p>“Still?,” Sofía gasped. “After all this time?”</p><p>Sam nodded. “Always.”</p><p>“You need to stop now. Go to therapy or something,” Sofía said. “The time that you two could’ve worked out has long since come and gone. You need to let her go and you need to find some way to be happy without her, Sam. Look at her, that woman is glowing because she’s so happy. If you love her... you have to let her go.”</p><p>“I know,” Sam sighed. “I keep thinking that I can’t live my life for other people, that love really is nothing but a set of chains. And maybe it is, but so help me, I feel like I need these chains. Who am I without her? It's just the way it is. The sky is blue, the sun is bright and warm, and I endlessly love Anastasia Swann—“</p><p>“Anastasia Sayeed.”</p><p>She sighed and nodded. “It's how the world was designed to be. How the hell did it come to this? How the hell is she a fucking vampire and married and— I just wish— If I had just acted differently, if we hadn’t been expected to get married, she and I could have been happy. I know that, and it is perhaps the hardest thing to know.”</p><p>“I know,” she rested a supportive hand on her shoulder. Sofía’s face was a shallow echo of her own pain. She looked absolutely brokenhearted for her. More than that, she looked angry. “I know... but nows the time to let go. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself think of her. But let her go. It’s all that’s left to be done. She’s not coming back to you and you need to move on.”</p><p>In those last few moments she watched Anastasia, she made the choice that this was it. This was finally it. She couldn’t see her again. She couldn’t face this pain, knowing that she’d been the one to author it. She couldn’t hold onto pieces of the past whilst waiting for a future that would never arrive any longer. </p><p>Part of her wanted to reach out and grab her hand one last time and hold it to her chest, right over her heart, right where it ached the most. She didn’t know if doing that would heal her or make her heart break entirely, but either way this constant hungry waiting would be over... even just for a moment.</p><p>It was funny how the memories you cherished before the breakdown of a relationship would become your worst enemies afterwards. The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle — it suddenly seemed a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It was not an act of bitterness, even if Sam was still bitter at herself for acting the way she had where this woman was concerned. It was an act of self-preservation. </p><p>And in those last few moments she watched the love of her life, she mourned everything she’d lost, but had never really had to begin with. How she’d never get to see this woman walk down an aisle toward her dressed in white, how her boys had missed out on having a stepmother who’d actually loved them like her own, how she’d never get to see her face in their children and grandchildren, how she’d never get to see streaks of silver in her hair or the faint lines of age surrounding her eyes. But, at the same time, she was at peace. If her walking away completely meant Anastasia living her best life, how could that possibly be anything but good?</p><p>She didn’t know it when she left the party that night, that she and Anastasia would really never cross paths again. That it was the last time she’d see the blue of her eyes or the flames of her hair in person. That she’d really never hear her laughing or see that smile again. But it was better that way, for if she had known — regardless of her intentions — she’d never have been able to walk away without looking back. Because in the end you can't always choose what you keep. You can only choose how you let it go.</p><p> </p><p>~ fin.</p>
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